[Editor’s note: Link came to work for Smart Furniture on Halloween 2012. We call him Adam, but that’s really just a nickname. We’ve asked him to share his story with you all, mostly because he just won’t stop talking about it. Our sincere hope is that this will help him get past his previous career and start living in the present.]
I am LINK. I was born in a far away land, in a time of tumultuous violence. To escape the rampant violence of Hyrule, my mother fled into the Kokiri forest to hide us. Soon after this journey, she died, leaving me orphaned and to be raised by the Kokiri, a friendly forest people. I grew up without a fairy (unlike the others), until the Great Deku Tree gave me a fairy to protect and guide me. Growing up, my life was a path of training, acquiring equipment, and learning the land. Soon, the evil sorcerer Ganondorf had taken over the kingdom of Hyrule, locked it in time, spawned many foes, and captured the Princess Zelda. People began to tell me I was the chosen one, destined to save Hyrule from this evil and rescue the princess. Though I initially had reservations, in time I began to believe. Once I received the power of the Tri-force, which holds the power of the goddesses, I was able to begin my life’s work. As the Great Deku tree told me just before he died, “This is Hyrule’s final hope … Link … go now to Hyrule Castle … there, thou will surely meet the Princess of Destiny …” So that’s basically how I tried to live my life.
I was inspired to do this to save the kingdom and vanquish evil, but most of all because I wanted to hook up with Princess Zelda, who apparently is a super babe. She’s got it all – all the right curves, except the pointy ears – which I happen to like, perfect dress that never gets wrinkled, and the way she blinks is so slow and delicate. She also has mad Sheikah transforming and teleporting skills, and she’s good with a sword. She’s the complete package; even Epona (my faithful horse and lifetime companion) likes her! She’s hotter than a Goron hot spring on Death Mountain. I have to wear my fire-proof Goron tunic just to stand next to her. So you got me, the Deku seed is out of the slingshot, there’s my real reason …
So I’ve been doing this way before 1986, when Anyways, let’s get to the real reason I’m here talking to you today. (Which in itself is significant because I’m not a talkative guy; in fact, I only make exclamations and listen, and sometimes even make people repeat stuff accidentally.) So, everybody keeps asking me, “How do you do it, Link? How do you save the world like you do?” Well, if you haven’t caught on already – and if that’s the case, I’m not sure how you haven’t – they do a cover story about it every few years. And yes, it’s true, I have defeated Ganon and saved Hyrule like 50 times by now, but I never kill him for good, I just change his form and allow him to come back in the future. I gotta leave myself opportunities for good adventure when I’m bored. As fine as the Princess is, I still gotta get out. She can be a bit needy at times, almost like a ball and chain, and trust me, I have one.
I first got media coverage, starting with the Japanese, then you people of America. I mean come on, do you think I just started doing this overnight? I’ve been defeating Ganon way before anyone heard of an NES. And besides, the media coverage is totally inaccurate, and makes me look like a fool. Do you think it really took me that long to beat the Water Temple, and that I died that MANY times, or that I actually get THAT lost in the woods? Also, that whole publicity scandal between me and Saria in the forest, was completely out of context. There was never anything there, except a catchy song. I’m not into that green hair anyways, and I have always been loyal to Zelda alone. And give me a break on the side-scrolling, it’s not that easy to escape enemies to just go back to the previous screen.
So anywho, I am looking to get out of the business of being Hyrule’s only Bad-A. I already got the babe, now I want us to have some peace and quiet to ourselves. Hero of Time … yes, that is my title, but now I could use some time of my own. The Princess has always wanted to vacation on Yoshi’s Island, and visit her cousin Peach. Besides, Mario seems like a stand-up warrior, the type of guy I have respect for. Yoshi seems fun to ride as well. So I’m ready to pass on some of my skills, secrets, and tips on how I save the world and what I use to do it.
If you want to be a warrior, here’s what you’re going to need, So here’s my favorite gearlist (although I have many other items besides these). These should be enough to get you started. Now, I only give this out to special hand-selected recipients, so count yourself among the few whom I would deem worthy to bear the crest and carry the Triforce. You can take my word about this gear, from the best in biz. You can see the pics for reference
1. Master Sword
The Blade of Evil’s Bane, forged in the Sacred flames and having the power to repel evil. Hyrule’s fate is tied to this sword. So these are pretty hard to come by. You’ll first have to acquire some pendants and learn an ocarina song. You may also have to navigate through some tricky woods to find the real one, and once you do it’s a pain in the rear to pull out of that stone. But it’s totally worth it. This bad boy allows time travel and pretty much complete power against any enemy. You can also use it do spin attacks and cut grass (very helpful if you’re looking for rupees).
This is the shield to have, and has the ability to protect and deflect, keeping one safe from many dangers. This is huge upgrade to my previous Deku shield, which was made of wood and caught fire everytime a flying Keese (bat on fire) flew into it. That was a major hassle, since I would have to find another one everytime it burned, or shell out 40 rupees. The Hylian Shield is fire-proof, and bears the emblem of the Hylian Crest and the Triforce.
3. Kokiri Sword
A wooden sword of my childhood, meager compared to the master sword, but good for training and something to use until you can bear the Master Sword, but I keep it around for old-time’s sake. You can find these if you crawl through a log in the Kokiri Forest.
A sacred flute-like instrument given to me by my sugar mama, Zelda, who is always hooking me up. Apparently, it’s an been in her family for generations, family heirloom type thing. Now, this version does have a bit more magic than the previous one. The original was basically just a whistle, and when you played it a duck would fly down and pick you up. The ride was very uncomfortable, hanging on and such. But now it’s much better – less duck, more magic. All I know is that it has pretty ridiculous powers, has a song for basically anything. Need to teleport to another land? Play the song of that place. Need to change from night to day? Play the Sun’s Song. Need rain? Song of Storms. Need to ride your horse? Epona’s Song and your horse comes running. Change the flow of time? No big deal, Song of Time (down C, A, Right C, Down C, A, Right C) I thought everybody knew that already.
5. Fairy Bow
Every hero needs a way to shoot arrows, and this gets the job done. This bow allows you to hit all kinds of stuff. Also, it’s great for combat on horseback. Did I mention it can also shoot Ice Arrows, Light Arrows, and Bomb Arrows. Oh and if you ever happen to be in the Lake Hylia area, trying shooting the sun right when it comes up, I dare you … wuss … (P.S. You will need to be an adult to use this – sorry, kids!)
6. Fairy Slingshot
Kids, use this to practice your aim until you’re old enough to wield the bow. This Slingshot shoots Deku seeds and is pretty quick on the draw and effective. Also, there’s some intense competition in the Hyrule market if you get good with this.
This sucker will stun your enemies, allowing you to finish them off with your sword. It also allows you to retrieve out-of-reach items. Pretty darn handy, a must have. I usually find these in treasure chests within dungeons, along with most of the stuff I get. I’m pretty good at finding free stuff.
A weapon that will blow your mind. This is basically a spring-loaded grappling hook, which allow you to cross impassible gaps, hang onto and retrieve random objects. This can also be used underwater, which I can’t say for a lot of my weapons. Again, you must be an adult to use this. Can also be upgraded to the Longshot, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. After all, you will be a rookie, so take it easy.
9. Lon Lon Milk
So this stuff is awesome. When you drink it, it not only heals your wounds and replenishes life, it tastes great as well. This stuff is pretty easy to obtain; if you ever see a cow, simply play Epona’s Song to it on your Ocarina, and set your bottle underneath. The cow will be so happy from your song it will give you some milk.
10. Red Potion
The Medicine of Life, a concoction that replenishes your life, even better than Milk. You can buy this at random shops around towns – there’s a few old hags making this stuff. Also, note that there are also places to get Green Potion for Magic, and Blue Potion for Magic and Life. But, you will just need this. Your primary goal? Stay alive.
11. Bug Catching Net
This net allows you to catch things like Fairies, bees and other things that can go in your bottle. I don’t use it too often now, it’s more of a keepsake of my childhood. I got this from some kid in Kakariko Village, who was too sick to use it.
12. Golden Gauntlets
These bad boys are gloves on steroids. They bolster you to have superhuman strength comparable to that of a Goron (large mountain-cave-dwelling creatures). These give you excessive power to lift and throw large objects such as boulders and pillars, and trust me: chicks dig that kind of stuff.
13. Kokiri Boots
So these are my go to footwear. Made with the finest Hylian Leather. These boots are made for (not just) walking. But also running, riding, sword-fighting, jumping, digging, and pretty much anything you throw at them. I also have a pair of Iron Boots (let you walk on lake-bottoms) and Hover Boots (temporarily glide over gaps and such), but I’m kind of partial to those, so I’m not really gonna tell you how to get those.
These little winged creatures are a magical race (primarily female in nature) that are super helpful; they will help guide you and be your companion (although at times they can be a little impatient and repetitive). I have a personal fairy, Navi, yet I always keep a few in spare bottles. These will bring you back to life when you die (not that I would know what dying is like, just saying … in case you do).
15. Boss Key
There is one of these keys in each dungeon you encounter. You’ll have to find it in a large chest. This will open every door within that dungeon, along with the main door to access the boss’s chamber.
In each dungeon, you will also need to find a compass. This tells you where you are and where you are headed. Highly recommended to use with a map. Don’t get lost, you silly ass, use a compass.
17. Kokiri Tunic and Hat
You will definitely need a good tunic for any adventuring you do. I personally prefer green – I mean, it is my color is it not? And I do look good it it, right? Find the color that works best for you. Yet it’s important to know that there are various tunics and outfits that you can acquire. I have both a Fire Tunic (that withstands fire and extreme heat) and a Water Tunic (that allows me to dive to extreme depths and stay underwater as long as I want), but what can I say? I’m a living legend … would you expect anything less?
So this is not something you can just get. If you’re not the chosen one like I was, tough luck. The Triforce has the power to grant the wish of whomever touches it, and molds the Sacred Realm to reflect that person’s heart. The Triforce does not discriminate between “good” or “evil”. However, if a person without an equal balance of power, wisdom, and courage makes a wish, the Triforce will split into its three separate parts. These golden sacred triangles were left behind by the three Golden Goddesses – Din, the Goddess of Power; Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom; and Farore, the Goddess of Courage – after the creation of the land of Hyrule. It was formed at the point where they ascended to the heavens, in a different dimension connected to Hyrule called the Sacred Realm, which would later be referred to as the “Golden Land.” The Triforce consists of three separate sacred golden triangles: the Triforce of Power (top), the Triforce of Wisdom (left), and the Triforce of Courage (right).
19. Heart Containers
This indicates how much life you have, and how long you have until you will die. Watch these, and try not to die. Use milk, potion, or fairies to replenish your life as needed. You can acquire more heart pieces as you defeat enemies, or you can find them in random places. The more the better.
So once you have all this stuff, the rest is pretty much easy. Use the Triforce, defeat Ganon, save Zelda (I’ve already done that part), restore the kingdom to peace. Nothing to it really, just follow these steps.
Those are pretty much all the secrets and tips you’ll get out of me for today … I’ve had a pretty busy day. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I’ve been trying to save up for this trip that Zelda wants to take, and randomly searching for rupees can take too long. I’m tired of cutting grass, slashing pots, swimming, and falling off draw-bridge chains just to scrape together a few extra rupees. That’s why I was happy to find a job here at Smart Furniture. While my background is mainly in outdoor adventuring, fighting, and rescuing kingdoms, they’ve been training me well. They’ve got me answering calls on “phone device” and typing on these book-like “computer machines” and trying to teach me what what an “e-mails” is, although I’ve had to get used to working without my gauntlets on (based upon a “typing” impossibility reason they mentioned). Which, I’ll admit, does make me feel a little vulnerable.
Overall, life now is a little more consistent than my typical routine, although there’s plenty of fun to be had here. They let me wear what I’m accustomed to wearing (save for the gauntlets). They have a very tolerant sword and weapon policy. They even taught me a recreational game called ping pong, and they let me use my sword instead of a paddle, which I am better with anyways.
They let me play my Ocarina whenever I want, but did get upset at me when I played the Song of Storms during a meeting in the conference room the other day. They also said I can no longer use the Song of Time to count as my work hours. But overall, everyone is pretty friendly (besides a few of the marketing guys, who made some comments about the pants I was wearing, calling them “tights.” I do not understand their comments, but I don’t think they meant well. They didn’t let me bring Epona (my horse) inside, but they let me keep her in the parking lot, and are working on importing some grass for her. I take her down to the park during my lunch break.
They have lots of comfortable and ergonomic chairs to sit in, which is important to me as I have kind of a bad back – I believe that’s from the time I fell several hundred feet when that Spider knocked me off when I was scaling up the wall to Death Mountain. Or it could be when then Club Moblin knocked me back 50 feet when I was trekking through the Sacred Forest Meadow. Either way, all I know is that these chairs do wonders for my back.
At the office here, there’s lots of dog beasts that I get along with well. They don’t follow me around as much as those annoying dogs in Castletown, so I like that. Yet, the dogs might fear me if they knew my true secret. The same would be true if anyone here at office were to find out that I can turn into a wolf on command. If they knew that, they might not have hired me, so let’s keep that between us if you don’t mind. I hope only you can see this once it’s on the “wide world web nets.” I don’t really understand this communication method, but I don’t think many can people can see this: only one at a time, I believe, and with my permission. They tell me this is going on a secretive channel within the “net” called “blog,” and they said not just anybody can read it – which is good. So my secrets should be safe with this trusted “internet” we have.
Well, that’s about all for now.
If you need any help or have any questions or need advice in your pursuit of becoming a legendary hero and saving Hyrule do this: (1) Listen to your fairy, (2) Go talk to Sahasrahla, or (3) If all else fails you can call me on my Ocarina, but don’t text, I don’t think I can get texts on it. My number is Left C, Up C, Right C, and I think you’ll only get a good connection when standing in front of a waterfall, or if there’s a Triforce antenna nearby.
Signing off, game over.
Your True Hero,